It's 2:33 a.m. on my birthday. I fell asleep after school and woke up at 10 p.m. yesterday night to a phone call I didn't want to have. Picking up is habit. I felt anxious and resentful. I wanted to get off the phone. The more I spoke the faster I realized I definitely shouldn't have picked up, my loose lips digging me deeper into a state that is way across the river from the compassion and patience camp.
I went to the bathroom and tears came suddenly, "you're eyes are wet, but not from the rain," the song replied. There is some kind of beauty in sadness because it has the ability to move us forward. Yet I find it frustrating that it can take a desperate moment to feel pushed, compelled, driven.
I sobbed in the shower. I miss my loves. I wished in that instant that I was living back in the south of BC. Able to hug my family, my girls, my little ones. I have had moments, specifically like this, for six years. The first time it hit me - that I hadn't been hugged or touched affectionately in weeks - was on the skytrain when I started my first job after university. I had just moved out of my parent's house. Without a vehicle of my own, I felt like going home was a huge deal and didn't do it as often as I think I needed it emotionally.
Six years later and the trip home is much more involved, but the feeling remains. That longing for the touch of someone who is absorbing all you dislike about yourself by loving you.
I'm 32 now. An odd sounding number to me. The thoughts of where I thought I'd be, what I'd have figured out, what I would be able to show for myself.. well those are all figments and wisps that don't mean much. They do though..mean something. They take up a lot of mental space though they are fantasy. Why do bits of thought mean so much to me then? The emotional energy I attach, the time spent meditating on those dream puffs is exhausting. Perhaps it is easier than living in the present, the presence of a life absent of things you desire.
Depression and apathy plague me. I'm tired of keeping it together. I just want to find clarity to bring me out of this loop. For now I'm going to try to get some more rest.
